Even when it hurts

It's been more than 3 months. More than 3 months of not hearing you laugh, eating your food, listening to you pray- more than 3 months of not seeing your smile and the way your eyes crinkle at the side when you do, and more than 3 months of not being able to tell you 'I love you' and that 'I'm sorry we couldn't do more'.

But it has also been more than 3 months of not having to watch every part of your body ache, to watch as tears stream down your face, to hear you say you want to go [home]. It's more than 3 months of not having to sit helplessly in the chair at the side of the hospital as you battle with every ounce of strength you had left to stay with us.

Yes, the truth is the pain never really goes away. Time irons it out gently and neatly tucks it away within the crevasses of your heart- but we will always bear the scars of this loss. I've always wondered how people would look like if others could see the brokenness we try so often to hide. Would we have cracks in our faces or visible scars on our bodies? Would people look at us or treat us differently?

Does it matter that they can't see the pain inside of us?

And yet-life somehow moves on. But I believe it is purely by grace that we can. It's one of the most difficult things to do, to praise even when it hurts. It feels like our whole world is bearing down on the aches and pains of society- war, genocide, poverty. Every time I listen to the song, something within me breaks all over again, because I am overwhelmed by hurt and by the memories, but I am also every so gently reminded of God's goodness and His faithfulness.

The plan I cannot yet see must encompass something so much bigger and grander that anything I could possibly imagine. I may not understand all the why's, but I [want to] trust the now's. That at the very end of the book, where the "happily ever after" part of the story kicks in, I want to be absolutely assured that all of the mess and the pain and the broken pieces somehow finds it way to form the most beautiful, redemptive and flawless masterpiece only a Creator is capable of doing.

That I will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that love will always win.

Soon it will become four months, and a year, and for however many more decades to come. Memories will eventually begin to fade, and I will slowly but surely begin to forget how you used to smell, the way your voice sounds, the feeling of your hugs.

But I promise never to forget how bravely you fought, how fiercely you loved and how intently you pursued God's heart. I will never let myself forget how much you trusted Him even when you knew you had to let go of us to return back to Him. And I promise to carry on this legacy as best I can, to point people to Jesus and to love hard at all costs.

Love you forever mum, and I take comfort in knowing one day- we will surely see each other again <3 br="">

Your love brought healing to me

What if your blessings come through raindrops

What if your healing comes through tears

I have wondered about moments, there are certain things or words that you just never want to hear ever again, having heard it before. Because you remember how hearing it the first time-made your eyes tear, made your heart sink.

& then it happens.

A part of me wants to question so badly 'why?'. I really know I shouldn't, that's kinda part of the deal of having faith. It's about trust, regardless of what happens around us in the natural.

I don't really know if I can go through it all over again, the first time was hard enough. What would we, would she, have to endure this time? I don't know, but it scares me a little. All this uncertainty, & amidst all of it I'm trying to cling on to Your voice that tells me it's all going to be okay. Because You love her-You've got it under control. right?

All I know is, right now, there's no where my heart wants to be more than home.

Please, let me go home.

With everything

Hashtag, mindblown.

There's no place I'd rather be

Set a fire, down in my soul

that I can't contain, that I can't control 

I've realized, now more than ever, that things don't always go the way you planned.

But, that's okay. I suppose this must be Your way of teaching me to continue to trust, and hope, and press in regardless of my circumstance.

To pray without ceasing, trust in Your sovereignty, and find comfort in Your hope.

No matter what.

This is your life

Tonight, I re-read some of my older blog posts-simply because I have been haunted by the greatest feeling of nostalgia all day. 

Also I felt like changing the font and typing smaller words. Go figure. 

Pleasantly surprised to be reminded of the countless blog posts I wrote about wanting to travel, to see things from a different perspective, to live outside my comfortable little bubble, & to know that somehow, someway, I am making a difference. 

A (small) part of me still finds this whole thing surreal, that I am actually here, living out exactly what I typed months ago to myself. A promise I never thought I could or would keep; but I guess, sometimes we just have to love ourselves enough to know that we deserve to live out the dreams we so often talk about. The ones we tuck away in our hearts and in the darkest corners of our mind. 

I realize that dreams are possible, and so much more tangible than we maybe what we know. I also realize that our worst fears often reside in our minds-a very dangerous place indeed. But in reality, I find myself overcoming obstacles, albeit small ones, everyday. 

We were created for so much more than to live ordinary, mediocre lives. Sometimes I feel like my heart and my spirit will explode from excitement from this revelation-the knowledge that we, were made, for incredible things. Extraordinary things. 

We can accomplish significant things. We will x 

The road less traveled

I've always liked that Robert Frost poem, in so many ways it reminds me of what it means for me to be here. In a lot of ways, it also kind of reminds me of what it means to be a Christian.

To know that sometimes, making difficult choices or walking down the 'lonelier' path, can and will make all the difference.

I've been in The Netherlands for exactly one month now. To think that in the past 30 days I have slowly started building up my own little routine here, and have come to think of the International House as home. I experience the same relief coming home here as I did in Melbourne, and it makes me realize how short of a time frame it takes for one to regard a place as home.

I still feel like a foreigner here though for sure, I don't suppose I will ever truly get used to seeing/speaking/reading Dutch; and yet somehow I also feel a little more like I belong. Each day spent here with all the people I've met and grown to become so fond of, have made it easier for me to call this place home. I am blessed.

Traveling every weekend to a new place is tiring, but it has also made me realize how much bigger the world we live in is-making me feel smaller but not in an insignificant way per se, but more of a in-awe type of way.

I had no idea what to expect coming into this exchange; despite the struggles, and amidst the disappointments and failures I myself am so acutely aware of-I want to trust that You are still sovereign and doing something in and through me. Believing in a greater purpose is really the only thing spurring me on.

A month down the road and ill say that, it's been amazing already. I'm not quite sure what the next four months will hold-but whatever it is, I am ready.

Promise(s)

Promised myself I would pick up writing again once I set foot in The Netherlands, not so much because i miss the writing, per se, but because as lazy as I am, I would kinda like to remember how I felt passing each day living here.

The environment is so completely different to what I'm used to. Melbourne & Malaysia was home-surprises were rare, I knew every corner and turn (well, okay almost), and it was comfortable.

Here, I'm constantly feeling at a loss for words, both literally and figuratively. It's hard to get used to a language that is so completely foreign, yet it feels strangely exciting to be immersed in such a different culture.

Today was my first encounter with falling snow-and this went on all throughout the live long day. It was relentless, and after awhile you kinda have to just don your thickest coat & beanie, and brace the cold and wind to go out. Despite the challenges (i.e. putting everything on and taking it all off, snow getting in your eyes, trudging through slippery sidewalks etc), I have to admit that this was one of the most amazing & prettiest things I have ever seen.

& a part of me kind of thinks, maybe this was what it's all about. experiencing things like this is (was) the whole point of me stepping out in faith, out of my world of routines and comfort-if only to step outside myself and see things differently.

I just know I'm going to feel super homesick once mum leaves, & once life here really begins for me-alone. and when that happens, I want to remember how I first felt, when I looked outside and saw the snow slowly falling, leaving everything in its wake clean, white & fresh.

It will be worth it.