It's been more than 3 months. More than 3 months of not hearing you laugh, eating your food, listening to you pray- more than 3 months of not seeing your smile and the way your eyes crinkle at the side when you do, and more than 3 months of not being able to tell you 'I love you' and that 'I'm sorry we couldn't do more'.
But it has also been more than 3 months of not having to watch every part of your body ache, to watch as tears stream down your face, to hear you say you want to go [home]. It's more than 3 months of not having to sit helplessly in the chair at the side of the hospital as you battle with every ounce of strength you had left to stay with us.
Yes, the truth is the pain never really goes away. Time irons it out gently and neatly tucks it away within the crevasses of your heart- but we will always bear the scars of this loss. I've always wondered how people would look like if others could see the brokenness we try so often to hide. Would we have cracks in our faces or visible scars on our bodies? Would people look at us or treat us differently?
Does it matter that they can't see the pain inside of us?
And yet-life somehow moves on. But I believe it is purely by grace that we can. It's one of the most difficult things to do, to praise even when it hurts. It feels like our whole world is bearing down on the aches and pains of society- war, genocide, poverty. Every time I listen to the song, something within me breaks all over again, because I am overwhelmed by hurt and by the memories, but I am also every so gently reminded of God's goodness and His faithfulness.
The plan I cannot yet see must encompass something so much bigger and grander that anything I could possibly imagine. I may not understand all the why's, but I [want to] trust the now's. That at the very end of the book, where the "happily ever after" part of the story kicks in, I want to be absolutely assured that all of the mess and the pain and the broken pieces somehow finds it way to form the most beautiful, redemptive and flawless masterpiece only a Creator is capable of doing.
That I will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that love will always win.
Soon it will become four months, and a year, and for however many more decades to come. Memories will eventually begin to fade, and I will slowly but surely begin to forget how you used to smell, the way your voice sounds, the feeling of your hugs.
But I promise never to forget how bravely you fought, how fiercely you loved and how intently you pursued God's heart. I will never let myself forget how much you trusted Him even when you knew you had to let go of us to return back to Him. And I promise to carry on this legacy as best I can, to point people to Jesus and to love hard at all costs.
Love you forever mum, and I take comfort in knowing one day- we will surely see each other again <3 br="">
