With everything

Hashtag, mindblown.

There's no place I'd rather be

Set a fire, down in my soul

that I can't contain, that I can't control 

I've realized, now more than ever, that things don't always go the way you planned.

But, that's okay. I suppose this must be Your way of teaching me to continue to trust, and hope, and press in regardless of my circumstance.

To pray without ceasing, trust in Your sovereignty, and find comfort in Your hope.

No matter what.

This is your life

Tonight, I re-read some of my older blog posts-simply because I have been haunted by the greatest feeling of nostalgia all day. 

Also I felt like changing the font and typing smaller words. Go figure. 

Pleasantly surprised to be reminded of the countless blog posts I wrote about wanting to travel, to see things from a different perspective, to live outside my comfortable little bubble, & to know that somehow, someway, I am making a difference. 

A (small) part of me still finds this whole thing surreal, that I am actually here, living out exactly what I typed months ago to myself. A promise I never thought I could or would keep; but I guess, sometimes we just have to love ourselves enough to know that we deserve to live out the dreams we so often talk about. The ones we tuck away in our hearts and in the darkest corners of our mind. 

I realize that dreams are possible, and so much more tangible than we maybe what we know. I also realize that our worst fears often reside in our minds-a very dangerous place indeed. But in reality, I find myself overcoming obstacles, albeit small ones, everyday. 

We were created for so much more than to live ordinary, mediocre lives. Sometimes I feel like my heart and my spirit will explode from excitement from this revelation-the knowledge that we, were made, for incredible things. Extraordinary things. 

We can accomplish significant things. We will x 

The road less traveled

I've always liked that Robert Frost poem, in so many ways it reminds me of what it means for me to be here. In a lot of ways, it also kind of reminds me of what it means to be a Christian.

To know that sometimes, making difficult choices or walking down the 'lonelier' path, can and will make all the difference.

I've been in The Netherlands for exactly one month now. To think that in the past 30 days I have slowly started building up my own little routine here, and have come to think of the International House as home. I experience the same relief coming home here as I did in Melbourne, and it makes me realize how short of a time frame it takes for one to regard a place as home.

I still feel like a foreigner here though for sure, I don't suppose I will ever truly get used to seeing/speaking/reading Dutch; and yet somehow I also feel a little more like I belong. Each day spent here with all the people I've met and grown to become so fond of, have made it easier for me to call this place home. I am blessed.

Traveling every weekend to a new place is tiring, but it has also made me realize how much bigger the world we live in is-making me feel smaller but not in an insignificant way per se, but more of a in-awe type of way.

I had no idea what to expect coming into this exchange; despite the struggles, and amidst the disappointments and failures I myself am so acutely aware of-I want to trust that You are still sovereign and doing something in and through me. Believing in a greater purpose is really the only thing spurring me on.

A month down the road and ill say that, it's been amazing already. I'm not quite sure what the next four months will hold-but whatever it is, I am ready.

Promise(s)

Promised myself I would pick up writing again once I set foot in The Netherlands, not so much because i miss the writing, per se, but because as lazy as I am, I would kinda like to remember how I felt passing each day living here.

The environment is so completely different to what I'm used to. Melbourne & Malaysia was home-surprises were rare, I knew every corner and turn (well, okay almost), and it was comfortable.

Here, I'm constantly feeling at a loss for words, both literally and figuratively. It's hard to get used to a language that is so completely foreign, yet it feels strangely exciting to be immersed in such a different culture.

Today was my first encounter with falling snow-and this went on all throughout the live long day. It was relentless, and after awhile you kinda have to just don your thickest coat & beanie, and brace the cold and wind to go out. Despite the challenges (i.e. putting everything on and taking it all off, snow getting in your eyes, trudging through slippery sidewalks etc), I have to admit that this was one of the most amazing & prettiest things I have ever seen.

& a part of me kind of thinks, maybe this was what it's all about. experiencing things like this is (was) the whole point of me stepping out in faith, out of my world of routines and comfort-if only to step outside myself and see things differently.

I just know I'm going to feel super homesick once mum leaves, & once life here really begins for me-alone. and when that happens, I want to remember how I first felt, when I looked outside and saw the snow slowly falling, leaving everything in its wake clean, white & fresh.

It will be worth it.

Stress Relief

Beauty that made, this heart

adore You

Sometimes, i find myself slipping into quiet consciousness, where I find myself leaving the dimensions of time. It's kind of scary, but also sort of cool. I think its during moments like these that reality slowly starts to sink in, and then I realize that in about two months ill be somewhere completely different, & foreign. 

Kind of scary, but also sort of cool. 

It's been such an arduous process, no doubt. The skeptic in me taunts me in the wee hours of the morning sometimes-'it'll never be all you want, or need, it to be. Faith is for the foolish. Don't hope.' And it takes every ounce of self-control within me to silence her. 

In my quiet consciousness, I'm strong, and courageous, and I walk in faith knowing that everything is going to be okay. I am at rest, even through difficult times, and I am secured in my identity in the only One who truly matters. I laugh, I cry, I dance (in the rain)-it all comes together to form a kaleidoscope of beautiful colors and images of the person I was meant to be. 

And then I blink, and wake up. And everything, is just as it is. 

Arms open wide

I am Yours,

& You are mine.

Ever since that song popped into my head a few mornings ago while I was searching for songs to do my QT to, I've been listening to it on repeat. It's such a beautiful song, and I think it resonates with me especially in this season. It's as though, my heart is somehow captured by the lyrics of the song, and that all I really want, is to surrender, to stand with arms wide open, just to let Him know that I want His way above mine.

But really, the best part is to know that I am fully His, and He is, just as wonderfully, amazingly, all mine.

It's taken me awhile to get to this point though, and the only reason why I'm writing this down is every so often, I want to remind myself that so much growth has come out of the last 3 months, when Deeper started. I was reflecting on it this morning and I remember how, broken and contrite my spirit was. And yet by taking that (very) small tentative step towards Him, with all my insecurities, loneliness and vulnerabilities laid bare, He very slowly drew me closer to His heart. Not all at once though, just enough, everyday, enough to know that if anything, He is capable of mending it, of mending me.

There's still so much uncertainty in the future, I constantly get asked questions about my direction that I have no answers to. But it's okay, I don't have to know all the answers. Right now, life is still messy, its still busy & hectic and exams have taken over my life. Every other day I still experience frustrations, like any other person would. I still go through periods where I feel small & alone, and I carry that hurt with me as I lay balled up in bed.

And yet, I find myself falling more in love with You, every single day. I think, I can finally understand what content is, it's not about having a perfect nothing-will-go-wrong life, it's about being able to rest in You, and Your love, and to know that even if things don't go the way I want them to, everything will be all right.

I know now, God. I know.

Thank You so much, for everything. I'm excited for the next chapter of my life to unfold, also because I can't wait to continue walking on this journey with You, right by my side.