Make your body sing!

You are who you are,
no matter where i am

i have come to a conclusion: less of fb, somehow equals more of blogging. this might be a somewhat unsurprising and in itself a redundant realization in retrospect. and here i thought i had quite the complex mind. nah who was i kidding, that must be some colossal joke. heh heh.

i have the strangest urge to type in caps, must be frustration. SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO WRITE LIKE THIS BECAUSE SOMEHOW SEEING BIG HUGE-Y LETTERS APPEAR ON YOUR SCREEN MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER BECAUSE MAYBE, THAT WAY YOU DON'T FEEL HORRIBLY SMALL AND UPSET AND PLAIN FRUSTRATED.

who needs therapy? feel good session was a key away.

i've been having multiple goosfraba moments over a very short time span. i might actually self-implode one day.

Last night, or maybe it was the night before, i forgot which colored toothbrush i was using after having used it for like 10 years or something, and i had to consult my sister, who's answer was 'i dont know?'. of course she wouldn't! IM suppose to know these things. THIS IS ONE OF THE FRUSTRATING THINGS MY MEMORY IS DEPLETING!

for my next shopping trip, it shall be clothes, shoes, and a stack of crossword and sudoku books. i can practically feel the slow creep of Alzheimer's snaring itself around me, much like a cold grip. either that, or i must start ingesting more greens! (cringes). SUDOKU BOOKS FTW LAH.

You love me anyway

But the future's so far, my heart is so frail
I think i'd rather stay inside

faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. -hebrews 11:1

i'm slightly tickled at the fact that while my mind is a tidal wave of unease scrambling to sort out the jumbalaya's in my head, God quietly slips in and nudges me to pay attention to what's staring me (literally, it's on a picture frame on my desk) in the face.

faith.

some thing's are just much too personal to be filled in this space. but i know You understand how it feels, how it feels to go through the painstaking motions everyday. to be reminded of how it all feels when the floodgates of your past open only to taunt, it was never too far behind, and its slowly catching up to you.

faith. here it comes;

every tear i cry, you hold in your hand
you never left my side, though my heart is torn
i will praise you in this storm.

I'm a jealous lover & i won't back down

In darkness, in trial, my soul shall sing
of his mercy, & kindness, our offering of praise
our God never fails.

I often chide myself for losing perspective sometimes. I'm so blinded by the myriad of trivial problems on my not-so-gleaming silver platter that i forget what's really important.

Sometimes i wish You would just fold and encase me in bubble-wrap; so that when life throws me blows i could just bounce back. boink boink all around in my blissful little semi-transculent world of endless circles and popping noises. i suppose most of all, i could continue pretending that all of this worldly things couldn't hurt me.

Daddy would you do that for me?

Sigh, yes it is tiring. but to eschew the elements of this world is also somewhat impossible. Hence we strike a compromise. i shall (learn to) surrender.

here i go again on another arm-flailing leg-thrashing body-convulsing journey into a realm of uncertainty and (probably) discomfort. but you know, my God never fails. i choose to believe that. besides, doesn't light shine brightest amidst a sea of murky depth and darkness?

i am tired, disappointed & upset. but all i can do is to strive to find the joy that is of abundance in You.

Daddy, would you do this with me?

we were meant to live for so much more

my heart will choose to say,
Lord blessed be your Name.

take my tears and take my sorrow
take the lies and make it true
help me face a new tomorrow
take my heart and make it new.

i will learn to praise You in the storm
i will dance with You in rain
i will walk with You on water
i will trust You with my pain.

i want to capture the beauty of Your creation
i long to bask in Your embrace
i yearn to seek after Your presence
until i see You face to face

i know that im imperfect
broken beyond repair
yet somehow when i fall and bruise
You never failed to be there

i know You'll take my shattered pieces
and my little something awful
i know You'll show me that within this brokenness
lies something so much more beautiful

show them Your grace is sufficient
reveal to them all that is true
show those who need to see the beauty within them
until they see their image reflected in You.

Get a grip

That quiet little corner,
where I would sit & write,
of fluttering fates and dreams ablaze
I'd cast my inhibitions out of sight.

To dive into my make believe
a fabric of brushstrokes & seams,
I'd climb into my little shell
& continue to dream.

Maybe, i was not as friendless as I thought I was :)

(Untitled)

I like to make myself belive

that planet earth turns slowly

I’m 35 days late, but hello 2010.

I contemplated writing a brief review of 2009, a prelude as I bid the last decade of my existence adieu. (late) Then again, mentally sorting through the ghosts of my past has proved to be way too exhausting. So similarly to the many years that exceeded it, I’m tucking away 09 in a box, discarding the mistakes and keeping the lessons learnt. Fingers crossed history will be nice enough not to repeat itself this year, one can only hope yes?

To T, D & M, you should be credited for so diligently pursuing me in my efforts to blog (: without your imaginary mini self-replicas hovering over my shoulder reminding me to write, I probably would have left this too late, or never even. It’s such a blessing really, however small, when someone probes at you relentlessly not because they’re trying to be annoying, but because they genuinely care. Hello friends are you reading this? Saya cinta kamu :)

After an extended period of mulling over potential first-post-of-the-year topics, I’ve decided that this should be a post about nothing.

Nothing of the significant nature; nothing with flowery descriptions accompanied by captioned pictures (I’m saving this for a rainy day); nothing too thought provoking or, running to the end of the spectrum, anything that resembles a self-thrown pity party.

No.

This is about the nothing-that seven lettered word parcel wrapped in brown paper packages tied up with string (I love SOM!). Like a particularly loud hiccup or a laugh-till-you-snort moment you savor before letting it slip through your fingers, like pelted snow.

I’ve got a trunk full of nothing’s: the third bathroom stall at work, the decadent maggi goreng, the banana-yellow shoes of a stranger, lunch last Friday at TGI(whaddyaknow)Fridays, the mysterious abyss of the third floor with shiny wooden handles.

I remember that Sunday (I think? My memory is failing me!) when B and I made an impromptu decision to regale each other with our foosball skills while everyone else went for a massage. We drove all the way to hartamas only to discover the place was closed. What began as a night of failed plans turned into a night of solidarity in our camaraderieship. It was one of those happy fleeting moments of pouring your heart out over ice cream and hot chips. We sealed the night with solid eye contact before everyone else returned to join us. A perfect nothing night.

I could use more of these ‘nothing’ moments. Répondez s'il vous plaît if interested :)

Hello 2010, this could be your year.

ps: I'm writing this from the office, what a rebel! Don't tell my boss.

Battlefield

why does love always feel like a
battlefield.

Writing/blogging again feels strange. Perhaps had I not given into the somewhat innate nature of mine to procrastinate & dillydally, the words might flow more smoothly; sifting through my mental vocabulary for the appropriate words to weave a story might not have been such a struggle either.

Perfectionist genes: cue mental sigh.

I realize my initiative to blog has somehow averted directions; interesting how time creates a space for you to mould and shift the constructs of your life. Keeps life interesting I suppose :)

I settled in to catch the last half hour or so of Titanic, my contented belly filled slightly too much over the brim. (buffet style, shame on you for expecting any less of me. (:) I kid. Anyway, minutes later I find myself clicking my way to blogger, (right now), thinking.

Thinking. Writing;

Years later having watched the exact same movie for the umpteenth time, James Cameron has once again managed to tug my heartstrings in four separate directions, leaving me both breathless and slightly agonized. Fiction it may be, but the story that is the love between Jack & Rose is simply breathtaking.

Typing this I can almost feel my heart leaden with heaviness with the knowledge that 1500 people died that night; out of the 6 boats, only one came back.

ONE.

Sometimes I really don't know why I put myself through all this -.- knowing that later I will be experiencing emotions one does not quite fancy feeling right before bedtime. Same with Jodi Picoult books; she lures me in with her victimized characters & heartbreaking plot, shattering little pieces of my heart everytime I read a chapter.

By the end of it I'm left with a pile of mush. I should just sweep myself up in the beginning and save myself the hassle. This is the kind of internal struggle I put myself through, brilliant.

I suppose the thing that always draws me to things like that is the idea of the frailty of humanity. Yet somehow beneath the flawed, lies an amazing strength and power to love, to survive.

I guess it's because underneath my facade of cynicism and skeptical-ness, it's these fabrications that ignites the hope deep within me; sometimes you just have to believe and have faith. :)