#206

He promised not to leave us, & His promises are true
so in this chaos baby, I can dance with you

I saw half a rainbow today.

It gave me hope.

Excerpt

friends, lovers,

or nothing.

'Each second makes its mark on every single person's life. comes and then goes, quietly disappearing without fanfare, evaporating into air like steam from a piping hot Christmas pudding. Enough time leaves us warm; when our time is gone, it too leaves us cold. Time is more precious then gold, more precious than diamonds, more precious than oil or any valuable treasures. It is time we do not have enough of; it is time that causes war within our hearts, and so we must spend it wisely. Time cannot be packaged and ribboned and left under trees for Christmas morning.

'Time can't be given, but it can be shared.'

-The Gift, Cecelia Ahern

Sigh, tis the season to be jolly? :( I could use a nice slice of forget-me pie and a cup of hot i-wish-this-never-happened chocolate. Perhaps in Gloria Jeans? WHY MUST I OVER-THINK EVERYTHING, i am exhausted. Please brain, neurons, conscience what-have-you, take a nice vacation and let me rest for awhile lah okay? Terlalu penat berfikir like, all the time.

Sometimes, I wish(ed) I was braver.

D&J, it's going to be okay. :)

Forever reign

Oh, I'm running to your arms, I'm running to your arms
the riches of Your love, will always be enough

Amidst the hustle&bustle, the trips&falls, You quietly slipped in and swept me off my feet.

Learning to fall in love with You all over again :)

M was missing :( but other than that, this was pure heaven-sent :) could definitely do with more days like these.

The Search for something More

we believe for, even greater
we believe for more

Since spring is near, I figured the old space could be spruced and swapped for a different look-a 'spring cleaning' if you will :) besides, sometimes I reckon fresh ideas and inspiration unwraps itself along with the presence of something new.

It's struck me recently how easy it is to get swept up in the tornado of events, serving, socializing, friends & family encircling you on a regular basis. How easy it is to get lost within that vortex of pandemonium that you suddenly find yourself losing focus & perspective.

Sometimes I find that I lose myself along the way too.

Then all of a sudden when the storm calms, and the disarrays settles, you're left with all these different sorts of fragments of a puzzle which you're frantically struggling to piece back together-hoping that in some way you could find the person you once were, and find your way back.

It's tiring though. & it's experiencing that isolated silent grief of losing yourself when you realize that, it's things like these that really rob you from claiming joy, peace & rest. and i never doubted for a second that this was not at all how You intended it to be.

Life-as challenging, difficult & bittersweet as it is- I still believe is worth striving through the pain, confusion & hurt; because knowing that you're actually here for a purpose, somehow protects the fire that's burning somewhere inside.

The hope, & the knowledge, that I'm here to make a difference.

Locked hearts & hand grenades

only You can make me whole
give me strength to make me grow

I sometimes wonder about those moments- life in all it's busyness, chaotic-frustration and disappointments that snares itself so frighteningly comfortable around us it becomes a second layer of who we are.

I wonder about those moments-you know, the one's where you're desperately scrolling through your itunes to find a song loud enough to drown the emptiness swelling within you. or sometimes how quietness is so loud i can feel it reverberating from my core.

That moment when I actually did step out for a run (okay fine, brisk walk/jog at best from my absolute fail lack-of-stamina) and my feet were pounding pavement, it felt exhilarating; somewhat akin to escapism though I know its naive to think i can literally 'run' from my troubles. nevertheless, it was my moment (to escape)-to feel that even if it was for only a minute, i could just run as fast and as hard as my feet would carry me.

and in that one minute, i could feel nothing, and everything at once.

beautiful :)

I wonder if i'm the only one who remembers moments like these, & then muse about them in retrospect haha :)

I'm thankful for a lot of things really. just recently i met a girl called Zina (okay this might be somewhat inaccurate) in one of my lectures. a vibrant and colorful character that totally made me smile :) and that's why i thank You for these random little blessings-because You know how they absolutely make my day.

You are forever mine

He will my shield and portion be
as long as life endures

One cries "I want God more than I need answers."

If a desperate heart is what it takes, then a desperate heart it shall be :)

Went for a picnic today, though somewhere along the lines the actual picnic was unraveling at the seams-so different to how i had envisioned it in my head (of all days today was MEGA windy -.-).

Yet somehow in the little nooks and crevasses of our conversations, we tucked ourselves away in the layers of our sharing. It was comforting to have a shoulder to lean on; but more than that, to see the immense growth, maturity & love of someone I've come to hold so dear to me, sends my heart into mini-palpitations of joy :)

Hey boy, I'm so extremely proud of you. :)

More importantly, He is absolutely beaming with joy!

MMMMMMM GOOD THINGS TO COME! :) can't wait for catch up week next week man. oh, & studies haha.

Hold my heart

I'll be by your side, whenever you fall
in the dead of night, whenever you call

When will i ever learn.

At this point, it just seems inevitable that history in all it's recurring futility is somehow doomed to repeat itself. If only divulging all my pocketbook secrets were as easy as heaving an exasperating sigh; swoosh in one swift motion, into the atmosphere & blending together with the rest of the world's untold stories.

Note to self: let's keep moving forward okay? Eyes ahead, shoulders back, & smile. Never look back.

I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders, but I've got the sun in my hand.

no body's perfect

in the quiet, in the stillness I know,
that you are God

It's only by delving deep enough into the OT that I suddenly realized, scattered throughout history were men & women of incredible faith, yet that didn't exclude them from experiencing anguish, pain & countless other woe-is-me moments.

As i sat cross legged on my bed and pored through the pages of the books, I'm infiltrated by sudden invasions of warmth that travel the length of my body. and then i realize, that i feel a strange sort of kinship with the different people in the bible.

i mean, granted most of them were written in a somewhat more dramatic fashion, but can relate lah you know.

sometimes i toy with the fringes of my imagination and wonder if my dreams were big enough, that they would take flight and soar, the enormity of it too much for my shell to contain. it would unfold in a kaleidoscope of colors and unfurl itself in clouds of smoke.

i'm beginning to enjoy my quiet nights in :)

It's a drag having to churn out titles

together we'll dance
to sepia tone hues

Ross: "Hey, do you guys know a Carl?"

Chandler: "Hm let's see..Alvin, Simon, Theodore...Nope, don't think so."

:)

it's the familiarity of dialogues and sounds that gently rocks me into peaceful slumber. in an alternate reality where dreams elude me, i sometimes discover that possibilities orbit all around me.

mm lovingly ensconced in my duvet has definitely ignited my penchant for snugness and warmth.

Get up on your feet and praise Him

i wonder what it's like,
to have you next to me

i never really quite know what to blog about anymore these days. words are no longer as candid as they used to be, and there always feels like there's a cloak of self-consciousness draped loosely around the frames of my writing. more often than not, words are backspaced and deleted from existence, then a brief cryptic coupla phrases are churned out simply to decorate the void.

i've hit a little more than a few bumps than i would have liked along this journey, but what a ride it's been :)

there's something potentially life-changing about learning to receive grace and embrace humility; & also pushing against the stream of hardhitting blows life tosses at you, if only to be rooted firmly in the joyful abundance of Him :)

i think im ready for the dry season to be over.

i think i'm ready to be inspired.

beautiful beginnings

can't you feel my heart beat fast,
i want this to last:]

The arm's of my Savior

there's no other place,
that i'd rather be

Hey Dad,

Help. :'( It hurts...everywhere.

I can feel it in the little fragments of my bones; the way my whole my body shivers and trembles and how my head is leaden with weight. My eyes are so swollen I feel like I'm squinting perpetually. My toes have surpassed the point of no return and I can barely feel them, every now and then I look (well, squint) down just to check that they're still there and haven't fallen off.

Most of all, I feel pain, darting in every single direction and scorching every available surface of my heart.

But I also thank You for sisters, who graciously allow me to stumble into her room and into her arms just to sob relentlessly.

thank You for friends who stay up with me comforting, consoling, advising and humoring me until I feel like my air supply is not forcing itself out in restricted gasping intakes of breath.

Dad, it hurts. So much.

But thank You nonetheless.

whatever happens, I will strive to find the rainbow in the rain.

it feels like home to me

there's something in your eyes,
makes my heart beat fast, hope this feeling lasts

my head is a catastrophic tornado of words, ideas, dreams & visions. sometimes, it feels so expanded to the brim that instead of erupting, it's sneakily dribbling out in undiscovered imaginary peepholes.

i just made my mind sound like a leaking waterhole.

life is slowly tipping heavily towards a graying scale; i want to experience it in technicolor.



God makes me smile sometimes :)

LGMH

manage me, i'm a mess
turn a page, i'm a book half unread

Joy to the world

Jeremiah was a bull frog,
was a good friend of mine.

Such a catchy song :) I like happy songs, they strike my fancy <3 plus they come in real handy when you've had it up to here (insert appropriate hand gesture) with studying.

So, life as of late has been reduced to a whirlwind of books, stale library smells and a non-existent social life. Not that I mind really, I find a certain solace in hunkering over my notes strewn haphazardly on the table, knowing that I'm surrounded by hundreds of other students doing the exact same thing. Conformity? Probably more of a last minute race to burn the midnight oil.

Another thing about libraries-table graffiti. I find it hilarious. Well some of them;

"Excuses are like assholes, everyone's got one!" (below that): "comment's like this are like assholes, and you ARE one!" (beside that): "this is why melb uni is unique, lots of assholes".

HAHAHAHA.

major endorphin rush. (you can tell life get's a tad sad when this is the extent of the highlight of your day.)

But there were some pretty cool stuff too; like seeing "Lyndon baines johnson-1964" and "Christine the great-1948" etched on the wooden tables. Not that I condone graffiti/vandalism, but it was pretty amazing knowing that this very same world of books and old Harry Potter-esque buildings existed in a time that preceded our generation.

There were even reality checks too! "You didn't come all the way here just to read hateful graffiti." Which was when I stopped studying my table intently and started my hunkering business.

Sometimes I've just got to keep reminding myself why I'm here, and what I've been called to do; learn to lay aside all the burdens and just do it. Come on girl, you're half way there.

'All I could see was the fog, I think if I could see the shore, I would've made it'-Florence May Chadwick, first women to swim the English channel.

Make your body sing!

You are who you are,
no matter where i am

i have come to a conclusion: less of fb, somehow equals more of blogging. this might be a somewhat unsurprising and in itself a redundant realization in retrospect. and here i thought i had quite the complex mind. nah who was i kidding, that must be some colossal joke. heh heh.

i have the strangest urge to type in caps, must be frustration. SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO WRITE LIKE THIS BECAUSE SOMEHOW SEEING BIG HUGE-Y LETTERS APPEAR ON YOUR SCREEN MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER BECAUSE MAYBE, THAT WAY YOU DON'T FEEL HORRIBLY SMALL AND UPSET AND PLAIN FRUSTRATED.

who needs therapy? feel good session was a key away.

i've been having multiple goosfraba moments over a very short time span. i might actually self-implode one day.

Last night, or maybe it was the night before, i forgot which colored toothbrush i was using after having used it for like 10 years or something, and i had to consult my sister, who's answer was 'i dont know?'. of course she wouldn't! IM suppose to know these things. THIS IS ONE OF THE FRUSTRATING THINGS MY MEMORY IS DEPLETING!

for my next shopping trip, it shall be clothes, shoes, and a stack of crossword and sudoku books. i can practically feel the slow creep of Alzheimer's snaring itself around me, much like a cold grip. either that, or i must start ingesting more greens! (cringes). SUDOKU BOOKS FTW LAH.

You love me anyway

But the future's so far, my heart is so frail
I think i'd rather stay inside

faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. -hebrews 11:1

i'm slightly tickled at the fact that while my mind is a tidal wave of unease scrambling to sort out the jumbalaya's in my head, God quietly slips in and nudges me to pay attention to what's staring me (literally, it's on a picture frame on my desk) in the face.

faith.

some thing's are just much too personal to be filled in this space. but i know You understand how it feels, how it feels to go through the painstaking motions everyday. to be reminded of how it all feels when the floodgates of your past open only to taunt, it was never too far behind, and its slowly catching up to you.

faith. here it comes;

every tear i cry, you hold in your hand
you never left my side, though my heart is torn
i will praise you in this storm.

I'm a jealous lover & i won't back down

In darkness, in trial, my soul shall sing
of his mercy, & kindness, our offering of praise
our God never fails.

I often chide myself for losing perspective sometimes. I'm so blinded by the myriad of trivial problems on my not-so-gleaming silver platter that i forget what's really important.

Sometimes i wish You would just fold and encase me in bubble-wrap; so that when life throws me blows i could just bounce back. boink boink all around in my blissful little semi-transculent world of endless circles and popping noises. i suppose most of all, i could continue pretending that all of this worldly things couldn't hurt me.

Daddy would you do that for me?

Sigh, yes it is tiring. but to eschew the elements of this world is also somewhat impossible. Hence we strike a compromise. i shall (learn to) surrender.

here i go again on another arm-flailing leg-thrashing body-convulsing journey into a realm of uncertainty and (probably) discomfort. but you know, my God never fails. i choose to believe that. besides, doesn't light shine brightest amidst a sea of murky depth and darkness?

i am tired, disappointed & upset. but all i can do is to strive to find the joy that is of abundance in You.

Daddy, would you do this with me?

we were meant to live for so much more

my heart will choose to say,
Lord blessed be your Name.

take my tears and take my sorrow
take the lies and make it true
help me face a new tomorrow
take my heart and make it new.

i will learn to praise You in the storm
i will dance with You in rain
i will walk with You on water
i will trust You with my pain.

i want to capture the beauty of Your creation
i long to bask in Your embrace
i yearn to seek after Your presence
until i see You face to face

i know that im imperfect
broken beyond repair
yet somehow when i fall and bruise
You never failed to be there

i know You'll take my shattered pieces
and my little something awful
i know You'll show me that within this brokenness
lies something so much more beautiful

show them Your grace is sufficient
reveal to them all that is true
show those who need to see the beauty within them
until they see their image reflected in You.

Get a grip

That quiet little corner,
where I would sit & write,
of fluttering fates and dreams ablaze
I'd cast my inhibitions out of sight.

To dive into my make believe
a fabric of brushstrokes & seams,
I'd climb into my little shell
& continue to dream.

Maybe, i was not as friendless as I thought I was :)

(Untitled)

I like to make myself belive

that planet earth turns slowly

I’m 35 days late, but hello 2010.

I contemplated writing a brief review of 2009, a prelude as I bid the last decade of my existence adieu. (late) Then again, mentally sorting through the ghosts of my past has proved to be way too exhausting. So similarly to the many years that exceeded it, I’m tucking away 09 in a box, discarding the mistakes and keeping the lessons learnt. Fingers crossed history will be nice enough not to repeat itself this year, one can only hope yes?

To T, D & M, you should be credited for so diligently pursuing me in my efforts to blog (: without your imaginary mini self-replicas hovering over my shoulder reminding me to write, I probably would have left this too late, or never even. It’s such a blessing really, however small, when someone probes at you relentlessly not because they’re trying to be annoying, but because they genuinely care. Hello friends are you reading this? Saya cinta kamu :)

After an extended period of mulling over potential first-post-of-the-year topics, I’ve decided that this should be a post about nothing.

Nothing of the significant nature; nothing with flowery descriptions accompanied by captioned pictures (I’m saving this for a rainy day); nothing too thought provoking or, running to the end of the spectrum, anything that resembles a self-thrown pity party.

No.

This is about the nothing-that seven lettered word parcel wrapped in brown paper packages tied up with string (I love SOM!). Like a particularly loud hiccup or a laugh-till-you-snort moment you savor before letting it slip through your fingers, like pelted snow.

I’ve got a trunk full of nothing’s: the third bathroom stall at work, the decadent maggi goreng, the banana-yellow shoes of a stranger, lunch last Friday at TGI(whaddyaknow)Fridays, the mysterious abyss of the third floor with shiny wooden handles.

I remember that Sunday (I think? My memory is failing me!) when B and I made an impromptu decision to regale each other with our foosball skills while everyone else went for a massage. We drove all the way to hartamas only to discover the place was closed. What began as a night of failed plans turned into a night of solidarity in our camaraderieship. It was one of those happy fleeting moments of pouring your heart out over ice cream and hot chips. We sealed the night with solid eye contact before everyone else returned to join us. A perfect nothing night.

I could use more of these ‘nothing’ moments. Répondez s'il vous plaît if interested :)

Hello 2010, this could be your year.

ps: I'm writing this from the office, what a rebel! Don't tell my boss.