This is your life

Tonight, I re-read some of my older blog posts-simply because I have been haunted by the greatest feeling of nostalgia all day. 

Also I felt like changing the font and typing smaller words. Go figure. 

Pleasantly surprised to be reminded of the countless blog posts I wrote about wanting to travel, to see things from a different perspective, to live outside my comfortable little bubble, & to know that somehow, someway, I am making a difference. 

A (small) part of me still finds this whole thing surreal, that I am actually here, living out exactly what I typed months ago to myself. A promise I never thought I could or would keep; but I guess, sometimes we just have to love ourselves enough to know that we deserve to live out the dreams we so often talk about. The ones we tuck away in our hearts and in the darkest corners of our mind. 

I realize that dreams are possible, and so much more tangible than we maybe what we know. I also realize that our worst fears often reside in our minds-a very dangerous place indeed. But in reality, I find myself overcoming obstacles, albeit small ones, everyday. 

We were created for so much more than to live ordinary, mediocre lives. Sometimes I feel like my heart and my spirit will explode from excitement from this revelation-the knowledge that we, were made, for incredible things. Extraordinary things. 

We can accomplish significant things. We will x 

The road less traveled

I've always liked that Robert Frost poem, in so many ways it reminds me of what it means for me to be here. In a lot of ways, it also kind of reminds me of what it means to be a Christian.

To know that sometimes, making difficult choices or walking down the 'lonelier' path, can and will make all the difference.

I've been in The Netherlands for exactly one month now. To think that in the past 30 days I have slowly started building up my own little routine here, and have come to think of the International House as home. I experience the same relief coming home here as I did in Melbourne, and it makes me realize how short of a time frame it takes for one to regard a place as home.

I still feel like a foreigner here though for sure, I don't suppose I will ever truly get used to seeing/speaking/reading Dutch; and yet somehow I also feel a little more like I belong. Each day spent here with all the people I've met and grown to become so fond of, have made it easier for me to call this place home. I am blessed.

Traveling every weekend to a new place is tiring, but it has also made me realize how much bigger the world we live in is-making me feel smaller but not in an insignificant way per se, but more of a in-awe type of way.

I had no idea what to expect coming into this exchange; despite the struggles, and amidst the disappointments and failures I myself am so acutely aware of-I want to trust that You are still sovereign and doing something in and through me. Believing in a greater purpose is really the only thing spurring me on.

A month down the road and ill say that, it's been amazing already. I'm not quite sure what the next four months will hold-but whatever it is, I am ready.

Promise(s)

Promised myself I would pick up writing again once I set foot in The Netherlands, not so much because i miss the writing, per se, but because as lazy as I am, I would kinda like to remember how I felt passing each day living here.

The environment is so completely different to what I'm used to. Melbourne & Malaysia was home-surprises were rare, I knew every corner and turn (well, okay almost), and it was comfortable.

Here, I'm constantly feeling at a loss for words, both literally and figuratively. It's hard to get used to a language that is so completely foreign, yet it feels strangely exciting to be immersed in such a different culture.

Today was my first encounter with falling snow-and this went on all throughout the live long day. It was relentless, and after awhile you kinda have to just don your thickest coat & beanie, and brace the cold and wind to go out. Despite the challenges (i.e. putting everything on and taking it all off, snow getting in your eyes, trudging through slippery sidewalks etc), I have to admit that this was one of the most amazing & prettiest things I have ever seen.

& a part of me kind of thinks, maybe this was what it's all about. experiencing things like this is (was) the whole point of me stepping out in faith, out of my world of routines and comfort-if only to step outside myself and see things differently.

I just know I'm going to feel super homesick once mum leaves, & once life here really begins for me-alone. and when that happens, I want to remember how I first felt, when I looked outside and saw the snow slowly falling, leaving everything in its wake clean, white & fresh.

It will be worth it.

Stress Relief

Beauty that made, this heart

adore You

Sometimes, i find myself slipping into quiet consciousness, where I find myself leaving the dimensions of time. It's kind of scary, but also sort of cool. I think its during moments like these that reality slowly starts to sink in, and then I realize that in about two months ill be somewhere completely different, & foreign. 

Kind of scary, but also sort of cool. 

It's been such an arduous process, no doubt. The skeptic in me taunts me in the wee hours of the morning sometimes-'it'll never be all you want, or need, it to be. Faith is for the foolish. Don't hope.' And it takes every ounce of self-control within me to silence her. 

In my quiet consciousness, I'm strong, and courageous, and I walk in faith knowing that everything is going to be okay. I am at rest, even through difficult times, and I am secured in my identity in the only One who truly matters. I laugh, I cry, I dance (in the rain)-it all comes together to form a kaleidoscope of beautiful colors and images of the person I was meant to be. 

And then I blink, and wake up. And everything, is just as it is. 

Arms open wide

I am Yours,

& You are mine.

Ever since that song popped into my head a few mornings ago while I was searching for songs to do my QT to, I've been listening to it on repeat. It's such a beautiful song, and I think it resonates with me especially in this season. It's as though, my heart is somehow captured by the lyrics of the song, and that all I really want, is to surrender, to stand with arms wide open, just to let Him know that I want His way above mine.

But really, the best part is to know that I am fully His, and He is, just as wonderfully, amazingly, all mine.

It's taken me awhile to get to this point though, and the only reason why I'm writing this down is every so often, I want to remind myself that so much growth has come out of the last 3 months, when Deeper started. I was reflecting on it this morning and I remember how, broken and contrite my spirit was. And yet by taking that (very) small tentative step towards Him, with all my insecurities, loneliness and vulnerabilities laid bare, He very slowly drew me closer to His heart. Not all at once though, just enough, everyday, enough to know that if anything, He is capable of mending it, of mending me.

There's still so much uncertainty in the future, I constantly get asked questions about my direction that I have no answers to. But it's okay, I don't have to know all the answers. Right now, life is still messy, its still busy & hectic and exams have taken over my life. Every other day I still experience frustrations, like any other person would. I still go through periods where I feel small & alone, and I carry that hurt with me as I lay balled up in bed.

And yet, I find myself falling more in love with You, every single day. I think, I can finally understand what content is, it's not about having a perfect nothing-will-go-wrong life, it's about being able to rest in You, and Your love, and to know that even if things don't go the way I want them to, everything will be all right.

I know now, God. I know.

Thank You so much, for everything. I'm excited for the next chapter of my life to unfold, also because I can't wait to continue walking on this journey with You, right by my side.

Thresholds

I gotta have roots before branches,

faith for taking chances

It's been such a turbulent year of emotions. Growing pains is a real thing, and I feel as though I've been stretched out in ways I never thought possible. But maybe that's a good thing. Maybe everything I'm experiencing right now, is Your way of showing me that I'm a lot stronger than what I used to be, not because of me and what I can do, but because of Your grace, and because this is the only way that I can really see how amazing You are.

Funny how things, how life, turns out sometimes. Sure, lonely and trying periods will always come. But there is something far greater that I'm holding on to, and I can only pray that better things are yet to come.

This can't be the end.

Better things, will come.

Wanderlust #1

Reaching for something in the distance,
so close you can almost taste it

It's been awhile, and to be completely honest the urge to write has been creeping up on me slowly, although it's mostly drowned out by a stronger instinct to 9gag or download shows. But I'm writing this now because in a few months, when I'm pulling yet another all-nighter or stressing over an assignment, I'd want to remind myself that I did have fun, once upon a time :) and that Master's won't last forever, and pretty soon I'll be packing my bags and (hopefully) embarking on another journey somewhere, anywhere.

I reckon starting small is the best way to go. Singapore is only a 5-hour bus ride away, but still you need a passport to get out of the country, and that was good enough for me. The morning of Day-1 was not the greatest start for any trip, but in retrospect I'm just glad that everything worked itself out in the end. God really does come through, even if it's at the latest possible minute. Anyway, after what felt like a pretty brief journey on the bus, YS & I touched down on glorious, clean Singapore soil. We parted at Novena, where I was greeted by familiar and well loved faces. A nourishing round of fish noodle soup later, I went home with D & J, where I could catch a quick breather and unload before meeting L to go to PQ's house.

I think my fear of getting lost coupled with my (pretty) useless sense of direction is always crippling, but I'm so thankful for:
1) Very brightly colored and well-explained MRT maps that give you clear directions
2) Extremely patient friends who care enough to painstakingly explain every little detail of what you need to know/do when traveling, even though I ask the same questions over and over again

So, I spent Saturday night with a belly full of popiah and porridge, topped with a decadent round of desserts comprising fruits AND a fruit tart. Needless to say I was stuffed, but I'd like to think I walked off all that food just by..well, walking. everywhere!

While Saturday was a pretty exhausting day, I gladly slept in on Sunday, heading out in the afternoon with D to grab some lunch across the road. In this humid country, I was pretty much perspiring everywhere I went, silently hoping I wouldn't be greeted with disgust at my lack of "presentable" appearance. Sunday afternoon gave me the opportunity to kick back and read my page-turner of a book before getting picked up to go back to PQ's house for the night.

It's such a blessing when you're blessed by others, and how this wonderful family blessed me to no end :) we walked to East Coast park to indulge in what I had been waiting for all this while, chillicrab! and mantao! and prawns! We finished off the night with a round of chinese dessert and a nice walk back home.

Early Monday morning we had a quick (but delicious) breakfast before PQ's dad dropped me at Harborfront where YS and I reunited. We then made our way to the well-anticipated USS! Although the crowd was pretty disappointing, because i was expecting it to be EMPTY, i had to say we really did enjoy ourselves that day (: loved the rides, didn't love the humidity+sweating, also loved the little gingerbread man souvenir YS bought for me (: we left USS that evening and took the bus ride back, where I collapsed the minute I reached home.

I realize this has become a longer post than I anticipated, but typing out the little details of the trip helped me relive it all over again, and I'm now typing this with a smile plastered all over my face. It was a short, but pretty great, trip. I think more than anything, I enjoyed the talks, catch-ups, heart-to-hearts, and just the amazing company to no end. For that I am so thankful.

I can't wait for the next trip! (: