oh weary soul

the heaven's shall declare
the glory of, our Great God

I've probably conjured up one too many posts in my head, about MJ's death, about results, about winter, about mum's trip here, about falling sick. I've had so much I wanted to say, in this tiny space, with the words I would weave to form a story.

But honestly I'm tired. Not just physically and that the flu meds are probably kicking in, but tired of, just settling. Sometimes I wish things were different; I wish I had stepped out of my self-moulded contented shell and grabbed a slice of the world when I could. I still can, then I would wish I had the guts & integrity to do so.

I spend half of my life, literally, wishing for thing's I dont have.

Here, at 12.38am, I'm writing about what matters to me. We only get one shot at this, at life. No do-overs, no summer school; just the years you have to live, & the memories you have to create. George Bernard Shaw once wrote that the two greatest tragedies in life is this: one is to lose your heart's desire, & the other is to gain it.

I want to experience those two greatest tragedies, because it's the only way you'll know you've really lived. Whitey Durham's to do list consisted of this:

Coach basketball for 20 years
Win 500 games
Make a difference.

That's what I want out of life, to know that I've made a difference, however small & insignificant. Things like good grades, important social stature, friends & having a social life, I know, at the end of the day will prevail. But I thank God for placing that still small voice in my heart that every now& then, will yearn for something beyond the physical needs of man, beyond what is physically pleasing to the eye.

The greatest pleasure you will ever know, is knowing that your existence has made a difference in someone else's life.

When spring comes and everything is reborned, so will I. I will strive to be a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better child of God. I will live for the things that matter most; I will reach for the things that will help me make a difference.

No more settling, change is coming.