Even when it hurts

It's been more than 3 months. More than 3 months of not hearing you laugh, eating your food, listening to you pray- more than 3 months of not seeing your smile and the way your eyes crinkle at the side when you do, and more than 3 months of not being able to tell you 'I love you' and that 'I'm sorry we couldn't do more'.

But it has also been more than 3 months of not having to watch every part of your body ache, to watch as tears stream down your face, to hear you say you want to go [home]. It's more than 3 months of not having to sit helplessly in the chair at the side of the hospital as you battle with every ounce of strength you had left to stay with us.

Yes, the truth is the pain never really goes away. Time irons it out gently and neatly tucks it away within the crevasses of your heart- but we will always bear the scars of this loss. I've always wondered how people would look like if others could see the brokenness we try so often to hide. Would we have cracks in our faces or visible scars on our bodies? Would people look at us or treat us differently?

Does it matter that they can't see the pain inside of us?

And yet-life somehow moves on. But I believe it is purely by grace that we can. It's one of the most difficult things to do, to praise even when it hurts. It feels like our whole world is bearing down on the aches and pains of society- war, genocide, poverty. Every time I listen to the song, something within me breaks all over again, because I am overwhelmed by hurt and by the memories, but I am also every so gently reminded of God's goodness and His faithfulness.

The plan I cannot yet see must encompass something so much bigger and grander that anything I could possibly imagine. I may not understand all the why's, but I [want to] trust the now's. That at the very end of the book, where the "happily ever after" part of the story kicks in, I want to be absolutely assured that all of the mess and the pain and the broken pieces somehow finds it way to form the most beautiful, redemptive and flawless masterpiece only a Creator is capable of doing.

That I will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that love will always win.

Soon it will become four months, and a year, and for however many more decades to come. Memories will eventually begin to fade, and I will slowly but surely begin to forget how you used to smell, the way your voice sounds, the feeling of your hugs.

But I promise never to forget how bravely you fought, how fiercely you loved and how intently you pursued God's heart. I will never let myself forget how much you trusted Him even when you knew you had to let go of us to return back to Him. And I promise to carry on this legacy as best I can, to point people to Jesus and to love hard at all costs.

Love you forever mum, and I take comfort in knowing one day- we will surely see each other again <3 br="">

Your love brought healing to me

What if your blessings come through raindrops

What if your healing comes through tears

I have wondered about moments, there are certain things or words that you just never want to hear ever again, having heard it before. Because you remember how hearing it the first time-made your eyes tear, made your heart sink.

& then it happens.

A part of me wants to question so badly 'why?'. I really know I shouldn't, that's kinda part of the deal of having faith. It's about trust, regardless of what happens around us in the natural.

I don't really know if I can go through it all over again, the first time was hard enough. What would we, would she, have to endure this time? I don't know, but it scares me a little. All this uncertainty, & amidst all of it I'm trying to cling on to Your voice that tells me it's all going to be okay. Because You love her-You've got it under control. right?

All I know is, right now, there's no where my heart wants to be more than home.

Please, let me go home.

With everything

Hashtag, mindblown.

There's no place I'd rather be

Set a fire, down in my soul

that I can't contain, that I can't control 

I've realized, now more than ever, that things don't always go the way you planned.

But, that's okay. I suppose this must be Your way of teaching me to continue to trust, and hope, and press in regardless of my circumstance.

To pray without ceasing, trust in Your sovereignty, and find comfort in Your hope.

No matter what.

This is your life

Tonight, I re-read some of my older blog posts-simply because I have been haunted by the greatest feeling of nostalgia all day. 

Also I felt like changing the font and typing smaller words. Go figure. 

Pleasantly surprised to be reminded of the countless blog posts I wrote about wanting to travel, to see things from a different perspective, to live outside my comfortable little bubble, & to know that somehow, someway, I am making a difference. 

A (small) part of me still finds this whole thing surreal, that I am actually here, living out exactly what I typed months ago to myself. A promise I never thought I could or would keep; but I guess, sometimes we just have to love ourselves enough to know that we deserve to live out the dreams we so often talk about. The ones we tuck away in our hearts and in the darkest corners of our mind. 

I realize that dreams are possible, and so much more tangible than we maybe what we know. I also realize that our worst fears often reside in our minds-a very dangerous place indeed. But in reality, I find myself overcoming obstacles, albeit small ones, everyday. 

We were created for so much more than to live ordinary, mediocre lives. Sometimes I feel like my heart and my spirit will explode from excitement from this revelation-the knowledge that we, were made, for incredible things. Extraordinary things. 

We can accomplish significant things. We will x 

The road less traveled

I've always liked that Robert Frost poem, in so many ways it reminds me of what it means for me to be here. In a lot of ways, it also kind of reminds me of what it means to be a Christian.

To know that sometimes, making difficult choices or walking down the 'lonelier' path, can and will make all the difference.

I've been in The Netherlands for exactly one month now. To think that in the past 30 days I have slowly started building up my own little routine here, and have come to think of the International House as home. I experience the same relief coming home here as I did in Melbourne, and it makes me realize how short of a time frame it takes for one to regard a place as home.

I still feel like a foreigner here though for sure, I don't suppose I will ever truly get used to seeing/speaking/reading Dutch; and yet somehow I also feel a little more like I belong. Each day spent here with all the people I've met and grown to become so fond of, have made it easier for me to call this place home. I am blessed.

Traveling every weekend to a new place is tiring, but it has also made me realize how much bigger the world we live in is-making me feel smaller but not in an insignificant way per se, but more of a in-awe type of way.

I had no idea what to expect coming into this exchange; despite the struggles, and amidst the disappointments and failures I myself am so acutely aware of-I want to trust that You are still sovereign and doing something in and through me. Believing in a greater purpose is really the only thing spurring me on.

A month down the road and ill say that, it's been amazing already. I'm not quite sure what the next four months will hold-but whatever it is, I am ready.

Promise(s)

Promised myself I would pick up writing again once I set foot in The Netherlands, not so much because i miss the writing, per se, but because as lazy as I am, I would kinda like to remember how I felt passing each day living here.

The environment is so completely different to what I'm used to. Melbourne & Malaysia was home-surprises were rare, I knew every corner and turn (well, okay almost), and it was comfortable.

Here, I'm constantly feeling at a loss for words, both literally and figuratively. It's hard to get used to a language that is so completely foreign, yet it feels strangely exciting to be immersed in such a different culture.

Today was my first encounter with falling snow-and this went on all throughout the live long day. It was relentless, and after awhile you kinda have to just don your thickest coat & beanie, and brace the cold and wind to go out. Despite the challenges (i.e. putting everything on and taking it all off, snow getting in your eyes, trudging through slippery sidewalks etc), I have to admit that this was one of the most amazing & prettiest things I have ever seen.

& a part of me kind of thinks, maybe this was what it's all about. experiencing things like this is (was) the whole point of me stepping out in faith, out of my world of routines and comfort-if only to step outside myself and see things differently.

I just know I'm going to feel super homesick once mum leaves, & once life here really begins for me-alone. and when that happens, I want to remember how I first felt, when I looked outside and saw the snow slowly falling, leaving everything in its wake clean, white & fresh.

It will be worth it.

Stress Relief

Beauty that made, this heart

adore You

Sometimes, i find myself slipping into quiet consciousness, where I find myself leaving the dimensions of time. It's kind of scary, but also sort of cool. I think its during moments like these that reality slowly starts to sink in, and then I realize that in about two months ill be somewhere completely different, & foreign. 

Kind of scary, but also sort of cool. 

It's been such an arduous process, no doubt. The skeptic in me taunts me in the wee hours of the morning sometimes-'it'll never be all you want, or need, it to be. Faith is for the foolish. Don't hope.' And it takes every ounce of self-control within me to silence her. 

In my quiet consciousness, I'm strong, and courageous, and I walk in faith knowing that everything is going to be okay. I am at rest, even through difficult times, and I am secured in my identity in the only One who truly matters. I laugh, I cry, I dance (in the rain)-it all comes together to form a kaleidoscope of beautiful colors and images of the person I was meant to be. 

And then I blink, and wake up. And everything, is just as it is. 

Arms open wide

I am Yours,

& You are mine.

Ever since that song popped into my head a few mornings ago while I was searching for songs to do my QT to, I've been listening to it on repeat. It's such a beautiful song, and I think it resonates with me especially in this season. It's as though, my heart is somehow captured by the lyrics of the song, and that all I really want, is to surrender, to stand with arms wide open, just to let Him know that I want His way above mine.

But really, the best part is to know that I am fully His, and He is, just as wonderfully, amazingly, all mine.

It's taken me awhile to get to this point though, and the only reason why I'm writing this down is every so often, I want to remind myself that so much growth has come out of the last 3 months, when Deeper started. I was reflecting on it this morning and I remember how, broken and contrite my spirit was. And yet by taking that (very) small tentative step towards Him, with all my insecurities, loneliness and vulnerabilities laid bare, He very slowly drew me closer to His heart. Not all at once though, just enough, everyday, enough to know that if anything, He is capable of mending it, of mending me.

There's still so much uncertainty in the future, I constantly get asked questions about my direction that I have no answers to. But it's okay, I don't have to know all the answers. Right now, life is still messy, its still busy & hectic and exams have taken over my life. Every other day I still experience frustrations, like any other person would. I still go through periods where I feel small & alone, and I carry that hurt with me as I lay balled up in bed.

And yet, I find myself falling more in love with You, every single day. I think, I can finally understand what content is, it's not about having a perfect nothing-will-go-wrong life, it's about being able to rest in You, and Your love, and to know that even if things don't go the way I want them to, everything will be all right.

I know now, God. I know.

Thank You so much, for everything. I'm excited for the next chapter of my life to unfold, also because I can't wait to continue walking on this journey with You, right by my side.

Thresholds

I gotta have roots before branches,

faith for taking chances

It's been such a turbulent year of emotions. Growing pains is a real thing, and I feel as though I've been stretched out in ways I never thought possible. But maybe that's a good thing. Maybe everything I'm experiencing right now, is Your way of showing me that I'm a lot stronger than what I used to be, not because of me and what I can do, but because of Your grace, and because this is the only way that I can really see how amazing You are.

Funny how things, how life, turns out sometimes. Sure, lonely and trying periods will always come. But there is something far greater that I'm holding on to, and I can only pray that better things are yet to come.

This can't be the end.

Better things, will come.

Wanderlust #1

Reaching for something in the distance,
so close you can almost taste it

It's been awhile, and to be completely honest the urge to write has been creeping up on me slowly, although it's mostly drowned out by a stronger instinct to 9gag or download shows. But I'm writing this now because in a few months, when I'm pulling yet another all-nighter or stressing over an assignment, I'd want to remind myself that I did have fun, once upon a time :) and that Master's won't last forever, and pretty soon I'll be packing my bags and (hopefully) embarking on another journey somewhere, anywhere.

I reckon starting small is the best way to go. Singapore is only a 5-hour bus ride away, but still you need a passport to get out of the country, and that was good enough for me. The morning of Day-1 was not the greatest start for any trip, but in retrospect I'm just glad that everything worked itself out in the end. God really does come through, even if it's at the latest possible minute. Anyway, after what felt like a pretty brief journey on the bus, YS & I touched down on glorious, clean Singapore soil. We parted at Novena, where I was greeted by familiar and well loved faces. A nourishing round of fish noodle soup later, I went home with D & J, where I could catch a quick breather and unload before meeting L to go to PQ's house.

I think my fear of getting lost coupled with my (pretty) useless sense of direction is always crippling, but I'm so thankful for:
1) Very brightly colored and well-explained MRT maps that give you clear directions
2) Extremely patient friends who care enough to painstakingly explain every little detail of what you need to know/do when traveling, even though I ask the same questions over and over again

So, I spent Saturday night with a belly full of popiah and porridge, topped with a decadent round of desserts comprising fruits AND a fruit tart. Needless to say I was stuffed, but I'd like to think I walked off all that food just by..well, walking. everywhere!

While Saturday was a pretty exhausting day, I gladly slept in on Sunday, heading out in the afternoon with D to grab some lunch across the road. In this humid country, I was pretty much perspiring everywhere I went, silently hoping I wouldn't be greeted with disgust at my lack of "presentable" appearance. Sunday afternoon gave me the opportunity to kick back and read my page-turner of a book before getting picked up to go back to PQ's house for the night.

It's such a blessing when you're blessed by others, and how this wonderful family blessed me to no end :) we walked to East Coast park to indulge in what I had been waiting for all this while, chillicrab! and mantao! and prawns! We finished off the night with a round of chinese dessert and a nice walk back home.

Early Monday morning we had a quick (but delicious) breakfast before PQ's dad dropped me at Harborfront where YS and I reunited. We then made our way to the well-anticipated USS! Although the crowd was pretty disappointing, because i was expecting it to be EMPTY, i had to say we really did enjoy ourselves that day (: loved the rides, didn't love the humidity+sweating, also loved the little gingerbread man souvenir YS bought for me (: we left USS that evening and took the bus ride back, where I collapsed the minute I reached home.

I realize this has become a longer post than I anticipated, but typing out the little details of the trip helped me relive it all over again, and I'm now typing this with a smile plastered all over my face. It was a short, but pretty great, trip. I think more than anything, I enjoyed the talks, catch-ups, heart-to-hearts, and just the amazing company to no end. For that I am so thankful.

I can't wait for the next trip! (:

A broken heart

I think, in the face of pain and indecision, all I can really do is just curl up in bed, under the sheets, close my eyes and just hope that in the next moment I wake up, the world will seem a little less dark.

Argh really want to get out of Melbourne, at least for a little while. Where's a plane ticket when you need one.

Think it's time to start running back to the cross. I just hope, I'm not too late.

love, the future

i will see the season through,
i will fix my eyes on You

I want to travel.

I really do. Though I wonder if I ever really will. You know, actually stop wishing and talking about all these festering dreams and desires and just DO IT. GO. GET. What's stopping me from walking out to STA travel and booking a flight?

I wonder.

I don't just want to travel though, I feel like, I want to experience more things, to explore. To have the courage (well, okay and I guess to a certain extent the stamina) to push myself out of my comfortable, predictable little bubble into a place that'll really challenge me to be braver, wiser, better.

Then again, this could all just be another one of those wistful 'I wish' & 'If only' posts. Because there's a part of me that really likes my bubble. I like being comfortable and knowing what I'll have for breakfast (okay fine, lunch) the next day or what classes I'm going to and WHERE. there's always this crippling fear that my useless no-sense of direction will leave me abandoned in the middle of nowhere one day.

Life can be so conflicting sometimes. But I'm really blessed to have options, and for that I'm grateful.

Pensive thoughts

More than the air I breathe, more than the song I sing
more than the next heartbeat, more than anything

Wow, I have unknowingly taken a four month hiatus from writing. It wasn't until recently that I can successfully say I've finished, and by finish I mean thoroughly and completely, reading Eat, Pray, Love. That's probably an understatement, I practically devoured the book over the course of four (late) nights. Such a shame, I know, for someone who claims to love books and reading, I've got a growing stack of unread/partially-read books patiently sitting on my table. I SHALL VOW TO FINISH THEM ALL (before I start spoiling myself with new ones). I'm currently on my second attempt at finishing Lisa Bevere's 'Fight like a Girl'. I'm only on my 25th page, but already I'm feeling empowered and ready to CONQUER THE WORLD. It's like nourishment for the feminine soul :)

A note on Eat Pray Love-I found it truly inspiring on so many levels, which probably explained why I sacrificed precious sleep, eagerly flipping the pages till the early hours of the morning. Perhaps what spoke volumes to me was her struggle to find contentment and peace in a truly chaotic and static-y world. I mean, surely we can all relate to that at some point in our lives? And it is only when she had learned to break away from the white noise and allowed herself to experience God wholeheartedly could she mend the broken-ness, hurt and resentment, and find joy.

I'd definitely buy this as a gift for a girlfriend of mine :)

After two whole weeks of company and bliss of having mum around, she finally packed her bags, gave us tight hugs and with tears in her eyes promised we'd see each other again soon. And we will, I know we will. Yet the silence still echoes in our small apartment, and I know I'm going to miss her rummaging around in the kitchen early in the morning, hearing her voice (though with nagging undertones urging me to wake up), and just..her. I'm just going to miss her.

The thing is, no matter how many times a loved one visits, for however long, it is always hard to say goodbye. Goodbyes are tough-often bittersweet and tinged with the hopefulness of when we would reunite. But I've been so blessed with the most amazing mother, the most amazing family. And it's quiet times like these when I'm feeling all weepy, nostalgic and introspective, that I offer up a prayer of gratitude, for blessing me with the abundance of a loving mom, dad and sister.

And for now, at least for this moment, I have found my contentment in them-my 'ohana' :)

I guess the change in my pocket just wasn't enough

just a spoonful of sugar

makes the medicine go down

photobooth is so much fun :) i'm buzzed i finally got my instax mini up and running and working properly. time to capture them happy moments.

i'm temporarily out-of-order in terms of words-i forget how to write :( but nehmind i'm still getting my head around final year even though we're already 3 weeks in. bronchitis can do that to you i guess.

also, my heart is still slowly breaking for Japan, New Zealand and the homefront still recovering from the floods. just another 'why' to add to the growing list i'll probably never get answers to.

#206

He promised not to leave us, & His promises are true
so in this chaos baby, I can dance with you

I saw half a rainbow today.

It gave me hope.

Excerpt

friends, lovers,

or nothing.

'Each second makes its mark on every single person's life. comes and then goes, quietly disappearing without fanfare, evaporating into air like steam from a piping hot Christmas pudding. Enough time leaves us warm; when our time is gone, it too leaves us cold. Time is more precious then gold, more precious than diamonds, more precious than oil or any valuable treasures. It is time we do not have enough of; it is time that causes war within our hearts, and so we must spend it wisely. Time cannot be packaged and ribboned and left under trees for Christmas morning.

'Time can't be given, but it can be shared.'

-The Gift, Cecelia Ahern

Sigh, tis the season to be jolly? :( I could use a nice slice of forget-me pie and a cup of hot i-wish-this-never-happened chocolate. Perhaps in Gloria Jeans? WHY MUST I OVER-THINK EVERYTHING, i am exhausted. Please brain, neurons, conscience what-have-you, take a nice vacation and let me rest for awhile lah okay? Terlalu penat berfikir like, all the time.

Sometimes, I wish(ed) I was braver.

D&J, it's going to be okay. :)

Forever reign

Oh, I'm running to your arms, I'm running to your arms
the riches of Your love, will always be enough

Amidst the hustle&bustle, the trips&falls, You quietly slipped in and swept me off my feet.

Learning to fall in love with You all over again :)

M was missing :( but other than that, this was pure heaven-sent :) could definitely do with more days like these.

The Search for something More

we believe for, even greater
we believe for more

Since spring is near, I figured the old space could be spruced and swapped for a different look-a 'spring cleaning' if you will :) besides, sometimes I reckon fresh ideas and inspiration unwraps itself along with the presence of something new.

It's struck me recently how easy it is to get swept up in the tornado of events, serving, socializing, friends & family encircling you on a regular basis. How easy it is to get lost within that vortex of pandemonium that you suddenly find yourself losing focus & perspective.

Sometimes I find that I lose myself along the way too.

Then all of a sudden when the storm calms, and the disarrays settles, you're left with all these different sorts of fragments of a puzzle which you're frantically struggling to piece back together-hoping that in some way you could find the person you once were, and find your way back.

It's tiring though. & it's experiencing that isolated silent grief of losing yourself when you realize that, it's things like these that really rob you from claiming joy, peace & rest. and i never doubted for a second that this was not at all how You intended it to be.

Life-as challenging, difficult & bittersweet as it is- I still believe is worth striving through the pain, confusion & hurt; because knowing that you're actually here for a purpose, somehow protects the fire that's burning somewhere inside.

The hope, & the knowledge, that I'm here to make a difference.

Locked hearts & hand grenades

only You can make me whole
give me strength to make me grow

I sometimes wonder about those moments- life in all it's busyness, chaotic-frustration and disappointments that snares itself so frighteningly comfortable around us it becomes a second layer of who we are.

I wonder about those moments-you know, the one's where you're desperately scrolling through your itunes to find a song loud enough to drown the emptiness swelling within you. or sometimes how quietness is so loud i can feel it reverberating from my core.

That moment when I actually did step out for a run (okay fine, brisk walk/jog at best from my absolute fail lack-of-stamina) and my feet were pounding pavement, it felt exhilarating; somewhat akin to escapism though I know its naive to think i can literally 'run' from my troubles. nevertheless, it was my moment (to escape)-to feel that even if it was for only a minute, i could just run as fast and as hard as my feet would carry me.

and in that one minute, i could feel nothing, and everything at once.

beautiful :)

I wonder if i'm the only one who remembers moments like these, & then muse about them in retrospect haha :)

I'm thankful for a lot of things really. just recently i met a girl called Zina (okay this might be somewhat inaccurate) in one of my lectures. a vibrant and colorful character that totally made me smile :) and that's why i thank You for these random little blessings-because You know how they absolutely make my day.